Simple as it may be, this story has a hero, a mentor, a monster, and a fair maiden (or whatever you call a virginal man)...or a treasure of some sort if one isn’t keen on that damsel in distress thing. It should be noted that this hero can be male or female, I thought I might want to clarify, for...reasons. Our hero is rather poor, orphaned, as well, if you like, and is a descendant of a long-forgotten royal house. So old, in fact, that even the hero does not know of their lineage. An evil beast, who most likely resembles some kind of dragon, dethroned our hero's house shortly after its founding. Our hero is out one day, being all humble and ever-so-dreadfully common, unbenounced to our hero that this day is the day. A motion pushes the hero into a tedious amount of events that will eventually culminate in the cliché final battle yada, yada, yada….
The hero is approached by an old figure, usually bearded (not necessarily so, but I think it is preferred), who introduces himself as someone who has something of vital importance, or an old family friend- just think of something contrived. A long conversation follows ending with the revelation of our hero’s lineage. *Cue training montage*…then our oh-so-loved mentor up and dies on our hero. This moment is important. The mentor needed to die so the hero could move on to do what a hero does. Adventure and killing ensue, some trials are had, a few bothersome companions come and go, but our hero is unbeatable through their great virtue. This leaves only the great beast who has been nestled in the very keep that once belonged to our hero’s family.
Like I predicted, a great battle ensues that forces the hero to call upon everything previously learned to vanquish this vile beast, and of course the hero wins. Yay! Now, for that reward thing I mentioned earlier. Much to your possible chagrin, I shan’t be going over the loving deflowering of the maiden or the previously-mentioned virginal man. What’s more important is that the reward is well-earned and our hero receives the just rewards for their heroic effort, and that they have their birthright returned to them. We end with a new king/queen, large piles of gold, and a not-so-virginal companion for our king/queen.
I’m sure at this point, one wonders why I just recited the hero’s journey in an, admittedly, brief and awful fashion. If you aren’t wondering why I am recanting that trope, because you are not aware of it, then I am most honored to be the author of the first thing you have ever read. As much as I love making fun of tired literary tropes, this rendition of the hero's tale is just a hyperbole for Christian stupidity. (Hyperbole: An extended metaphor, errr: Metaphor an analogy that, uhhh, Analogy, forget it, this will take too long). If at any point during this epic you made the connection to the fall of humanity and redemption of humanity I applaud you, but if you think this is a proper understanding of your place as a Christian you have some thinking to do.
Many Christians think of their faith in the terms described in this story: fighting against evil and earning rewards on our own right. We are not the heroes of our own lives...all you are, all the good you do, will get a just reward, but it is not a reward even the most masochistic of masochists would want. Finally, we are not striving for something that was lost; we are not Christians to regain the ignorance of the garden. Unlike the hero in the story, we are looking to grasp onto something we no longer need.
Now get along to your special little existence, you beautiful little snowflake, how will the world ever go on without you? Go on, but try and not make us all look like idiots.
-David Sivils, Guest Blogger
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